I keep tabs on people that I shouldn't (and really don't) care about. But in reading someone's blog, I found that the whole sadness thing is a human thing, not just a Megan being retarded thing. I want what I had; I want that security, but I don't want to be dependent. There's something special about the kind of hug that engulfs you and makes you feel safe. And that, more than anything, is what I miss most. If that's all I want, how come I can't find it anywhere??

1. Full Name: Megan Fowler

2. What color pants are you wearing right now? blue stripey pyjama pants

3. What are you listening to right now? the sound of the fridge and my keyboard....

4. What was the last thing you ate? chocolate

5. If you were a crayon what color would you be? blue. some kind of teal-y blue. i like that colour.

6. How is the weather right now? nice. not enough snow though

7. Last person you talked to on the phone? Sadie

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite (and same) sex? Based on conversation.....if they can't converse, I don't look twice.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Um...yes. I think i got it from lisa. so yes, she's cool.

10. How are you today? sleepy but not...lol

11. What is your favorite drink? Coke. Beer. Keith's, in particular (but only when a certain Maritimer is with me...)

12. Favorite food? i LOVE scallops.

13. Favorite sport? hockey and swimming

14. Hair color? blond

15. Eye color? blue-ish green

16. Do you wear contacts? no. don't need em (see below for reason)

17. Siblings, and their ages: None. I am perfect...lol

19. Favorite video game: Generals

20. Last movie you watched? Austin Powers

20. Favorite day of the week? Fridays (no school in winter term on fridays!)

21. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Apparently I am. I thought I wasn't. Oh well. Live and learn

22. What is your favorite TV show? Crossing Jordan

23. Do you have any pets, and if so what are their names? No pets. But my friend has a dog named Raffi

24. Summer or Winter? Both. for very different reasons.

25. Black or White? A million shades of grey.....

26. Sugar or Spice? I like spicy

27. Chocolate or Vanilla? what about white chocolate?

28. Do you want your friends to write back? Meh.

29. Who is most likely to respond? No one

30. Who is least likely to respond? Everyone

31. What's your favorite type of movie? Pretty much anything, just not SUPER scary ones

32. What books are you reading? The Broker by John Grisham and Bastards and Boneheads by Will Ferguson

33. What's on your mouse pad? Don't have one anymore.

34. Favorite Board Game? RISK or Cranium or Axis and Allies

35. What are you doing tonight? I just got home from a new year's thing and i'm all wired and not sleepy

36. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? you betcha. it's kinda creepy.

37. Can you run a mile in under 11 mins? no. i don't run.

38. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? sometimes.

39. Favorite car? my green machine

40. How many keys on your key ring? 3

41. Favorite day of the year? Boxing day. hockey, mashed potatoes, stuffing. mmm good.

42. Red or Blue? Blue. Always blue.

43. What did you do for your last birthday? Drank

44. Do you carry a donor card? yup

45. Your goals? B Ed, BA (Hist), MSS, PhD (Mil. Hist), teach in NewZealand, and then come back here and settle down...yikes.

46. What do you think of the first thing when you wake up in the morning? Do I have to get up? 5 more minutes, please!!!

Survey-ish thing....

Put an "X" by all the things you've done and share it with your friends.

1. ( ) Smoked a cigarette.
2. ( ) Crashed a friend's car.
3. ( ) Stolen a car.
4. (x) Been in love.
5. (x) Been dumped.
6. ( ) Shoplifted.
7. ( ) Been fired/laid off.
8. (x) Been in a fist fight.
9. (x) Snuck out of your parent's house.
10.(x) Had feelings for someone that didn't have them back.
11. ( ) Been arrested.
12. ( ) Gone on a blind date.
13. (x) Lied to a friend.
14. (x) Skipped school.
15. ( ) Seen someone die.
16. (x) Been to Canada
17. ( ) Been to Mexico.
18. (x) Been on a plane.
19. ( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire.
20. (x ) Eaten sushi.
21. (x ) Been skiing.
22. ( ) Met someone in person from the internet.
23. (x) Taken pain-killers.
24. (x) Love someone or miss someone right now.
25. (x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
26. (x) Made a snow angel.
27. (x) Had a tea party.
28. (x) Flown a kite.
29. (x) Built a sand castle.
30. (x) Gone puddle jumping.
31. (x) Played dress up.
32. (x ) Cheated while playing a game
33. (x) Been lonely.
34. (x) Fallen asleep at work/school.
35. ( ) Used a fake I.D
36. (x) Watched a sunset. How about a sunrise???/
37. ( ) Felt an earthquake.
38. (x) Touched a snake.
39. (x) Slept beneath the stars.
40. (x) Been tickled.
41. ( ) Been robbed.
42. (x) Been misunderstood.
43. (x) Petted a reindeer/goat.
44. (x) Won a contest.
45. (x) Ran a red light.
46. ( ) Been suspended from school.
47. ( ) Been in a car accident.
48. ( ) Had braces.
49. ( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
50. (x) Had deja vu.
51. ( ) Danced in the moonlight.
52. (x) Liked the way you looked.
53. (x) Witnessed a crime.
54. (x) Questioned your heart.
55. ( ) Been obsessed with post it notes
56. (x) Squished barefoot through the mud
57. (x) Been lost.- physically and metaphorically
58. (x) Been to the opposite side of the country.
59. (x) Swam in the ocean.
60. (x) Felt like dying.
61. (x ) Cried yourself to sleep.
62. (x) Played cops and robbers
63. (x) Recently colored with crayons.
64. ( ) Sung karaoke.
65. (x) Paid for a meal with only coins.
66. (x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
67. (x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out your nose.
68. (x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
69. (x) Danced in the rain.
70. (x ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
71. (x) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
72. () Watched the sun rise with someone you care about.(and the northern lights..
73. (x) Blown bubbles.
74. (x) Made a bonfire on the beach.
75. (x) Crashed a party.-maybe tommorow
76.(x) gone roller-skating. (and I will again on tuesday)
77. (x) Had a wish come true.
78. ( ) Worn pearls.
79. (x ) Jumped off a bridge
80. ( ) Ate dog/cat food.
81. ( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them.
82. ( ) Kissed a mirror.
83. (x) Sang in the shower.
84. (x ) Had a dream that you married someone.
85. ( x) Glued your hand to something
86. ( x) Got your tongue stuck to a flagpole
87. ( ) Kissed a fish.
88. (x) Sat on a rooftop.
89. (x) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
90. ( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel.
91. ( ) Talked on the phone for more than six hours on one occasion.
92. (x) Stayed up all night.
93. ( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
94. (x) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
95. (x) Climbed a tree that had a tree house.
96. (x) Been told by a complete stranger that you're hot.
97. ( ) Ever had a one night stand.
98. (x) Ever missed someone so much it still hurts to think of them.
99. ( ) Ever loved someone that you knew wouldn't love you back.
100. (x) Ever been to a professional baseball, football, or hockey game in a stadium.
101. (x) Went hiking in the mountains.
102. ( ) Smoked a cigar.
103. (x) Had a crush on someone you worked with but never told them.
104. (x) Wished you had the chance to change your profession.
105. ( ) Ever cremated and kept the ashes of a pet you cared a lot about.
106. ( ) Wished you could live your life over again beginning at age 21.
107. ( ) Been baptized.- and confirmed
108. (x) Rode a horse.
109. ( ) Sent flowers to someone you never met.
110. (x) Changed a flat tire.
111. ( ) Told someone you loved them just to try and have sex with them.
112. (x) Been on an island.
113. (x) Double dipped.
114. ( ) Skinny Dipped

talking to annie, i realized that i give great advice, but i got nothing for myself. i'm useless. and i don't like that feeling. i want to have what i had, minus the idiot bo in the picture. i just want to know that there's someone out there who thinks i'm more than a friend. but i'm not feeling it at all....

1. Full Name: Megan Fowler
2. Who were you named after? No one
3. Have you ever sang into a hairbrush? Yes, but I sing lots anyways
4. When did you last cry? Tonight, at supper. No biggie though.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes, most of the time
6. What is your favourite lunch meat? Ham, or roast beef
7. Any bad habits? No eye-contact. Worrying about what people think.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD you own? Ace of Base. Without a doubt.
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with YOU? Yes, I would
10. Are you a daredevil? Depends on the risky act...
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yeah. But it was a good thing I did.
12. Do looks matter? Yes. But only at first.
13. Have you ever said a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? Um, yes.
14. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No. There's no such thing as a rainbow in the physical sense, so there can't be a pot of gold at the end of it.
15. Do fish have feelings? Absolutely
16. What's your favourite barnyard animal? Pigs. They're so carefree. And they roll in mud too.
17. How do you release anger? I cry. And I pretend that everything's ok.
18. Where are your second homes? Work...lol.
19. Do you trust others easily? Not at all. It takes a long time to get me to the point where I can open up to someone. I didn't used to be like that.
20. What was your favourite toy as a child? GI Joe and Lego
21. What class in school do you think is totally useless? PHIL 120
22. Do you have a journal? yes. I have 2 online and one on paper.
23. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yes I do.
24. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Of course.
25. What do you look for in a boy/girl? Mostly I like humour, but I also notice how they treat other people. And how confident they are.
26. What are your nicknames? mig, megs, fowler, phallic...
27. Would you ever bungee jump? If i had $$
28. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Depends on the shoe.
29. Do you think you're strong? Yes. SO much better than this time last year.
30. What's your favourite ice cream flavour? Neopolitan, but only when it's got the artificially coloured/flavoured strawberry.
31. What's your favourite colour? Blue, Green, Red.
32. What are your least favourite thing(s)? I have lots, but I'd have to say my biggst pet peeve is when people tend not to be smart and move toward the intelectually challenged side of the scale, especially when i know they're smart.
33. How many wisdom teeth do you have? none.
34. How many people do you have a crush on right now? Just one.
35. How many people have a crush on you right now? None. Haha.
36. Who do you miss most right now: Kelsey. Haven't talked to her in a while. And I know it's partially my fault. And Mike. (Not that Mike, a different Mike).
37. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back to you? Meh.
38. What are you wearing right now? jeans, sweater, slippers. it's cold.
39. What are you listening to right now? The TV, and the sound of my typing
40. What was the last thing you ate? Chicken Cordon Bleu from the Pacific Fish Co.
41. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Some kind of deep blue-green
42. How is the weather right now? Delightful.
43. Last person you talked to on the phone? Fel.
44. What do you like most on a person? I like a smile. :) (hah. got YOU)
45. Do you like the person who sent this? Absolutely
46. How are you today? Tired, stuffed up and moderately grouchy, though I'm sure I'll get over it.
47. Favourite drink? Iced tea, or normal, hot tea (especially Chamomile).
48. Favourite alcoholic drink? Beer, or gin and lemon
49. Favourite natural phenomenon? rain. LOVE the smell.
50. Eye colour? usually blue. sometimes green.
51. Do you wear contacts? no. don't need them.
52. Siblings and their ages? NONE!

53. Favourite months? Summer is good stuff.
54. Favourite food? Popcorn. Tokyo Express.
55. Last movies you watched? Bourne Identity. That 10 seconds of shirtless Matt Damon makes me want to watch it over and over and over.
56. Favourite day of the year? Boxing Day. Only day of the year where I eat mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast...mmmm good.
57. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Depends on the person and the situation. Now I'm too scared so that I don't get hurt.
58. Scary movies or happy endings? I like non-scary movies, but they don't need to have happy endings.
59. Summer or winter? I like them both for different reasons.
60. Hugs or kisses? hugs are nice. and platonic. and they remind you that the hugger cares about you regardless.
61. Relationships or one-night stands? Relationships.
62. Do you want your friends to write back? yes. I do. :)
63. Who is most likely to respond? Lisa, when she gets around to it.
64. What is the funniest word? purple.
65. Who is least likely to respond? mack. lol.
67. What's your least favourite colour? pink.
68. What's the sweetest thing a girl or guy could do for you? i dunno. something that makes me feel special.
69. Fav quote? I don't really have one anymore. But I have always really like the one from Dylan Thomas' poem: Do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Had a great talk with Lisa tonight. I'm glad she's happy, and has moved on from Matt. He's a turd. But it makes me jealous that she found someone (relatively) soon after, and I don't even have one smidge of anything. And the one thing I may have had a chance at, I totally fucked it up. And I don't like that feeling at all, but I don't think there's a lot I can do about it. Poo on me being sad and lonely. It'll get better; it can't get any worse.

HOLY CRAP! 4 years comes down to one more day. One last day of teaching, and I am officially finished my degree. All I need now is my certificate that says I'm a teacher. And then I actually am one. And that scares the shit out of me, because I don't know what the hell to do with the rest of my life anymore. AAAH.

GAH! Why does this always happen to me? I know this dude thinks I'm not his "type", but that doesn't stop me. Am I out to prove him wrong? I don't know....