Well. that's done. Just got the phone call I wanted. And I certainly didn't get the answer I wanted. And man am I glad that encounter didn't happen in person. Or I think I'd have broken down and cried. And I know that sounds sad, but I thought that maybe something would work out for me. But instead, I get the shaft. Again. And I know there's people out there who would say that it's entirely his loss and everything, but I feel like I kind of lost too. And I don't like that feeling at all.

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?

This is agony. I can't take it anymore. I mean, I did what I could, right? And now I have to wait for this boy to phone me back. Unfortunately, it's like with video goal reviews in the NHL. The longer the wait, the less promising it is for the team that supposedly scored. Same kind of mess here. Stupid stupid. I truly haven't let some guy get to me like this since high school, and so I KNOW I like the guy. Oh yes. And his stupid mixed signals make my brain hurt. And his lack of phoning makes my brain hurt. But most of all, the fact that I'm pretty sure that he's now going to try his best to avoid me makes me sad. It also means he's not worth it, but still. Even though I had the closure I needed, I still don't want to deal with someone else I care a great deal about treating me like I'm not good enough, or not a particular "type." Types are for losers, but then again, I've been turned down more times by people who say I'm not their "type" than I can count. le sigh....

I did it. I really did. And now I wait. And I hate waiting. But at least I called and said what i had to say. And I owe someone for the courage. So thanks for calling me the other day. I needed that.

Holy shit. Things have come full circle. Two days ago, I was waxing about how much I disliked a certain person, and tonight he phoned me to apologize for being so mean to me and putting me through hell. And I cried. I'll admit it, I cried. But I felt better. And I do know what he's going through, because he did it to me. But now he knows what it's like, and I bet he'll never do it again. And I hope things work out for him, because, contrary to everything I've said, he deserves to be happy.

What is this? I mean really. I can't seem to get this guy out of my head. No matter what I do, he's there. It's kind of annoying, because it means that I'm 100% smitten. And I don't even know what he thinks at this point in time. yeesh. Time for me to grow up and get a life? Nah, that's for sissies. For now, I'll be content in my world of crushes, and maybe let one run it's course. It's not the end of the world, I know that. But man would it make me happy if things DID work out. Hooboy. Then what do I do? le sigh....

what would it take for you
to know what it's like to be me
how would it make you feel
to know how i let you control me

there's nothing i won't do to see you happy
nothing i won't do to dull your pain
but even that's not enough for you
even that's not gonna make you whole again

i can't imagine what it must be like
to go through life so sad, so alone
you don't know how much you have
and you won't miss it when it's gone

i can't keep playing this game
i don't want to pretend anymore
if i don't get you out of my head
i'll never be able to live again

One day, I promise I'll do it. I'll get the nerve, and it will be done. But I'm SO vulnerable right now, I'm scared to put myself out. WHat if i get shot down? Then what do I do with my fragile self esteem? Put it out again, and keep getting shot down until I reach the point that I honestly can't take it anymore?

So I've discovered that I'm excruciatingly shy. See, most people think that I'm really bold and outgoing. But I'm pretty sure that it's all bravado. Yes, I like to talk, and I like to make it seem like I've got it all together. But there's this part of me that can't seem to come out of the shadow. For whatever reason, I can't seem to get this boy out of my head. He hasn't even done anything all that special, except maybe that night I got blitzed and he stopped me from doing something I'd have regretted. But he's listened to me and he's been there for me when I needed someone and he's one of the few people I can really trust, but do you think I can say that to him? Oh no. Instead of that, I play this game, and hope that he figures it out, knowing FULL WELL that he's a boy and will NEVER realize. And then I'm left in the dark as to what's going on. I know that I'm a mess, and I know that I'm superbly leery of getting involved with anyone again after the hell I went through, but at the same time, if I don't try, I'll never know. And I know all this, but that doesn't mean I'll ever actually DO anything about it. Inge told me that it's natural to be shy after what happened, but I don't like it. I like to take charge, and I like to be in control. And then this guy makes me all weak in the knees, and the like. And I don't know what to do about it. So I've entrusted Inge with doing my detective work for me, because even though I'd like to think that I've got it all under wraps, I think I'd be crushed if he was like "um, you're gross, get away from me." (Or some incarnation of that rejection statement).

Maybe I think too much. But I haven't let a guy get to me like this since high school, and that MUST mean something....

You ever read something, and the reality of it hits you like a ton of bricks? A certain person's girlfriend's ex boyfriend's mom died recently. And the certain person felt it necessary to post about it where he KNEW i'd see it. and not only that, he sad something like "I'd trust her with my life, and I've never trusted anyone else like that." That hurt. Because I was once trusted with his life. And it's not that I want to be, but for him to completely ignore everything we had means he's even MORE of a heartless bastard than I thought he was. le sigh. Not that it matters. I mean, he's useless to me, but I also feel like it's kinda my fault that things got so icky....maybe not. I dunno. I just can't stand the childishness of it all.

ugh. only 27 more days of class till they let me loose into the world and teach. those poor kids aren't going to know what hit them. but i'll tell you what, i could use a boost of confidence since i've been feeling like i'm more or less useless lately. and when certain people can't take 5 minutes out of their time to call me back, i get irritated. if you think i'm disgusting, tell me, and i'll leave you alone. but don't play games. i can't take it anymore.